just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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