just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
