I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
