Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
