The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
