Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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