And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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