Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
