ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
