Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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