Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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