did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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