his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
