moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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