She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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