She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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