Have you finally orgasmed yet?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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