My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
