I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
