Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
