Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
