I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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