oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
