Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...