apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me