I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
