No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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