I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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