The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
