i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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