When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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