The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
