it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
