I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
