I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
