dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
