That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
