I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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