Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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