Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
