Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
