Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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