i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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