I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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