I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
