false alarm. still invincible.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
