phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
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