Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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