My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
where are my eyebrows?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
