she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
