I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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