so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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