So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
