Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
