Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
