Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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