Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
