That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The air was thick with penises
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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